Names, Numbers and New Guys
That's one big neck
That's one big neck
Warpaint Illustrated Columnist
Posted May 29, 2007


It’s the offseason. More importantly, it’s May – which means it’s not even June yet and training camp doesn’t start until July.

Oh, sure, we’ve got the Arby’s Chiefs Minicamp on June 2, an oasis in this desert of football dehydration. Other than that, it’s going to be a long two months. You can see why this Trent Green issue has been such a hot topic – there’s nothing else to write about.

Oh, but there is. This time of year is exciting for players and fans (at least the football-starved ones) alike. This is the time of year when players get assigned jersey numbers and Chiefs fans get to see mugshots of the new players on KcChiefs.com for the first time.

Last week the Chiefs updated their roster page with photographs and number assignments for most of the new free agents, rookies and un-drafted free agents. This is exciting stuff!

Any one of these names could be up on the Ring of Fame in 20 years! Any one of these numbers could be retired in 20 years! How can you not get excited about something so trivial that may or may not happen in 20 years? Someone strap me down!

They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. In that case, I’m about to short you readers by several thousand words. Sorry.

#47 – TE Michael Allan.

The first thing that jumps out at me here is the number 47. What? Forty-seven? What did Allan do to deserve such a cruel and unusual punishment? Is this some sort of standard hazing for seventh-round draft picks?

Tight ends don’t wear #47! That’s reserved for dumpy fullbacks and cheap-shotting, past their prime AFC West safeties! Unless he changes this awful number, I’m constantly going to think of Allan as a slow player.

The other thing that jumps out is Allan’s photo. It’s a low-quality action shot of Allan streaking down the field after a reception. The Chiefs undoubtedly acquired it from some Whitworth College (Allan’s school) resource. They couldn’t spring for a nice headshot and backdrop of Arrowhead, like the other rookies got? Suffice it to say Allan’s career isn’t getting off to a great start.

#14 – WR Brad Ekwerekwu

Not much to say here – other than the fact that every Missouri Tigers fan with internet access started running around screaming like little girls the first time they saw Ekwerekwu in Chiefs colors.

Every time I see a wide receiver wearing a number in the teens, an angel loses its wings. This is becoming an epidemic around the NFL. Do you know how difficult it was for me to support Samie Parker for two seasons? Number 83 is available – Michael, Brad, someone, please take it. If it was good enough for Danan Hughes, it’s good enough for you.

# 64 – DE Chris Harris

I almost fell out of my chair looking at this guy’s mugshot. Chris Harris appears to hail from the planet Remulak. That’s right – he’s a conehead.

Seriously, go look at this guy’s page on KcChiefs.com. I think he’s going to need a special helmet. Other than the fascinating curvature of his skull, the other thing that strikes me is just how mean Harris looks. Look at that thick neck, that granite jaw, that intense stare. If this guy plays the game the way he poses for photos, the Chiefs have a real diamond in the rough on their hands.

# 90 – DE/DT Claude McBride

Claude? Seriously, is there some issue here? Why haven’t the Chiefs fully embraced their second-round draft pick as “Turk,” yet? I don’t see them going around listing Ty Law as “Tajuan.” This needs to change. No one is scared of a guy named “Claude.” That sounds like someone’s uncle. In fact, the Latin origins of Turk’s given name translate as “Lame.” Come on now. If that’s not incentive enough to make a change, I don’t know what is.

You think that’s bad? Look at the number Turk’s wearing. The Chiefs just got rid of Ryan Sims, but we’re still going to be thinking of him every time McBride is out there on the field. And God forbid he doesn’t pan out. That number will become cursed – if it isn’t already. Since Neil Smith, Terry Wooden, Ronnie Dixon, Steve Martin and Tyrone Williams have worn #90. I think we’ve got sufficient evidence.

# 93 – DT DeMarcus Tyler

Are you kidding me? What is it with this name garbage? “DeMarcus” sounds like a jewelry company. “Tank” sounds like a pocket-collapsing, quarterback-crushing, guard-eating, universe-destroying NFL defensive tackle.

On a good note, “DeMarcus” means “From the God Mars.” Looking at Tyler’s mugshot, his neck certainly appears to be of divine origin. They don’t make necks like Tyler's anymore. His heart must have giraffe-like qualities to pump blood through those carotids. File Tyler’s bio next to Harris’ in the “if looks could kill” category.

#65 – DT Matt McGlothlin

In the grand trandition of Nate Hobgood-Chittick and Joe Phillips, the Chiefs finally have another white defensive tackle on their roster. You might think white running backs are the NFL’s most under-represented ethnic position group, but when was the last time a white defensive tackle made the Pro Bowl? If you count San Francisco’s Pierce Holt (“Who?” was also my immediate reaction) in 1992, a long damn time.

But he’s not just white. McGlothlin looks like Mr. Clean, is a bowling ball of a defensive lineman at 5-foot-11 and hails from rugged-sounding Pounding Mill, Virginia. If you were looking for a lunchpail, blue-collar Chief to root for, you’ve found him.

#65 – OT Herb Taylor

What?! Another #65? Doesn’t this violate the laws of space-time? This doesn’t bode well for The Bowling Ball from Pounding Mill. Number aside (let’s hope no one mistakes him for Jordan Black), you’ve got to like anyone named Herb (“bright army”), but it’s Taylor’s mugshot that really stood out to me.

Maybe it’s the glasses, the chubby cheeks, but Herb has already won the “2007 Chief most likely to wear a pocket protector” award. I’m guessing he’s the team Dungeon Master for those late-Friday night sessions of D&D.


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